holly & fred

So a quote from this month’s British Vogue was brought to my attention. The question was asked of why the Queen isn’t made to look more stylish, to which Hardy Amies’ answer was:

“The Queen must never appear to be chic, for there is an unkindness to chic, and Her Majesty must never appear to be unkind”

It causes me minimal pains to say that Mr Amies clearly has little to no understanding of the word chic. I’m tired of banging on about it, but if you’re interviewing with Vogue (even if is IS British Vogue, the least chic of all the Vogues…) one would expect you to have some level of understanding of what it means to be chic. 

HOW can you call the Queen unchic? What kind of crazy-talk is that? 

Things I’ve recently found out about Queen Liz which blow this ridiculous notion out of the water and over into one of our forsaken colonies (Hong Kong, I’m looking at you) include:

1. Chic pets: On a state visit to Brazil in 1968, the Queen was given two sloths. All 5,300 breeding pairs of mute swan in Britain are officially owned by the Queen. ’Fishes Royal’ applies to all sturgeon, whales, porpoises and dolphins in the water around the UK. Like swans, they also officially belong to the Queen.
2. Self-medicating: According to Margaret Rhodes, the Queen’s cousin, HM’s alcohol intake never varies. She takes a gin and Dubonnet before lunch, with a slice of lemon and a lot of ice. She will take wine with lunch and a dry Martini and a glass of champagne in the evening. That comes to 6 units per day, which would make Her Majesty a binge drinker by government standards.
3. Psycho boyfriend: Prince Philip says to a blind, wheelchair bound woman whose 8-year-old guide dog was by her side, during another walkabout for the Golden Jubilee: ”Do you know they now do eating dogs for the anorexic?”

To call being chic an unkindness to others is utter poppycock. Chic brings about a desirability, beauty, hope and order to the world. And if there’s one woman in England whose job it is to do that, it’s hers. If we had the Queen walking around looking like an old bag (which she never does), would that make everyone feel better about themselves? What an absurd notion! The woman ought to look chic, every day. And it’s not about being kind or unkind, it’s about setting an example for her exalted country. Seriously. FUQ DA HATERZ.

Lastly, the woman owns a tiara. Multiple tiaras, in fact. And she can legitimately wear them because she is the Queen of England. I rest my case.

(thank you to the Independent for the facts, to the Telegraph for Phil’s classic one liners)

Wait so what the fuck was the hysteria about that book 50 Shades of Grey? I’m over it. I saw the cover (wtf), built a bridge and walked the fuck over it. 

Glad we sorted that out.

ONTO THE IMPORTANT STUFF: more on chic. Chic is complicated, there’s a lot of push/pull out there, and I just wanted to talk a little bit about assessing the chicness of a situation.

Take the Terry Richardson shoot with Daria Werbowy above. Terry Richardson is not chic. The allegations of cock-slapping teenage models, flannel and rapist glasses don’t help his plight. But his pictures feature as a consistent high on the scale of chic. Just because he looks like one of those pervs who masturbates in a park DOES NOT MEAN that his work isn’t chic.

By the way, Daria is one of my favourites. Great name, epic legs, SUPER hot. Classic model. These days I keep seeing tiny mouths, spammy foreheads and horrendous teeth all over the place. Take Megan from Mad Men - now, I don’t want to get into a rant here (I just cannot get emotional right now and Mrs Megan Draper seriously brings out the worst in me) but just as a case in point, her very presence on my screen makes me seethe. Stupid acting career. Making Don angry all the time. I need more hot buxom Joan and LESS wet towel Megan.

And what about that song she sang to Don? Firstly, he was mortified. Obvi. Second, she clearly thought it read chic sex kitten Bardot but I thought it read toothy French Canadian slut whore. Third, I really need Fat Betty to lose some weight because every time I see her I get hysterical/depressed.

Other things that people think aren’t chic but actually ARE:

1. Big hair. God didn’t bestow upon me the bodacious permtastic curls of Dolly Parton but by golly mister I will spritz, spray, mousse and diffuse until I can get a bounce that would make Dolly proud.
2. 80s music. If Emmanuelle Alt can get into it, so can you.
3. NOT writing poetry. Seriously, unless you have a legit career in poetry writing or you have a serious talent with words à la Keats/Byron/Shelley/Drake, PLEASE DO NOT SHARE. Leave it in your journal, or read it to your therapist. That’s where all your self-indulgent whiney crap belongs. 

Cinderella was born to a loving mother and father. Mum died during childbirth, dad remarried. In the Charles Perrault original, he doesn’t subsequently die, he just straight up never stands up for Cinderella whilst her stepmother (evil, duh) treats her with contempt and jealousy. Fast forward a little while, and Cinderella’s grafting, hard work, charm and beauty wins the day - handsome prince rolls along, you know the rest. There are some super chic glass shoes involved.

I was watching the Disney film the other day, and I had a thought: a Cinderella of today would grow up, nail her A-levels, get a degree, bank some cash and give the finger to her broken home. But the handsome prince? He doesn’t seem to figure. And where is the fairy godmother? The one who facilitates the whole thing? It seems to me like we’ve evolved to think we don’t need them - or that they just don’t really exist. Cynicism, the death of hope. I see it as being encouraged to fight to be alone, figure it out by yourself, and then once you’ve done that - well, I don’t know. The rest is just ‘supposed’ to fall in line. I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing.

Somehow it seems like we’re encouraged to disconnect, and then (magically) supposed to find the space in our heart to then re-connect, fall in love, trust, and then it’ll all be wonderful. Is that how it goes?

I would say, probably not. From experience in life, from the psych ward to sagas of my friends’ and my own, it takes a hell of a lot of courage, faith and time (not to mention therapy) to get there. And a whole bunch of dud princes. 

What I take from all this is that there is more - hope, faith, love, connection - but there’s a lot to go before you can let it all in. 

Dear Bank,

Stop mailing me. I never open mail from you. It’s always either depressing, judgemental, confusing, abusive and/or blackmail. 

Basically I just have a pile (cupboard) of unopened bank mail, and I was wondering if you wanted it back, because I have no use for it. Also, I hate credit cards, and fuck you very much for giving me one because looking at it literally gives me a migraine. It’s evil and you knew that and you STILL gave me one KNOWING my penchant for Prada.

Save some fucking trees. And stop giving me migraines.

Sincerely,

Saskia

chic /ʃiːk/
adjective (chicer, chicest)
elegantly and stylishly fashionable

The OED definition doesn’t really do the word justice. Chic encompasses so much more; a way of life, a state of being. When in a quandary, asking yourself whether something is chic is a sure-fire way to know whether it’s worth doing/wearing/buying/meeting. I always think examples illustrate the principles of chic better than banging on about the virtues of living a chic existence. This post is dedicated to the genius that is Babe Walker of White Girl Problems.

For chic rookies:
tennis - chic
table tennis - not chic 

burlesque - chic 
pole-dancing - not chic

macaroons - chic
cupcakes - not chic

braless at 20 - chic
braless at 40 - not chic 

Intermediates of chic:
school uniform - chic
community service uniform - not chic 

Armani Privé - chic
Emporio Armani - not chic 

24 pink roses - chic
200 red roses - not chic 

Benedict Cumberbatch - chic
Englebert Humperdinck - not chic

Advanced chic:
La Perla - chic
Agent Provocateur - not chic 

Side salad - chic
Main salad - not chic

DPhil/PhD/MD - chic
NVQ/HNC/BTEC - not chic 

Giovanna Battaglia - chic
Anna Dello Russo - not chic (see above)